Have you ever deliberately said something rather stupid? Like, you thought it over for a long while, stewed over it, agonized over it, knowing it was stupid but you just HAD to say it? Yeah, I did that today. Doing my usual agent browsing on Query Tracker, I was sending off queries to agents who list 'fantasy' as one of their topics. Ho-hum, type type type, enter into Excel to track so I don't double send... "WHOA!!!!"
That's pretty much what my eyes and heart said when I look at 'Clients' on one agent and I see that he is Dean Koontz's agent. My idol. The god upon whom my worship falls. I've been reading him since before I hit puberty, and I even wrote a nine page letter to him once and he WROTE ME BACK. It was amazing. Anyway, I'm thinking to myself 'well, this agent is WAAAAAAAAAAAAY out of my league, but what the hell...' So, I look at the submission guidelines and they're DIFFERENT than everyone else's. It said 'Write a paragraph about yourself.'
I was stumped. Totally stumped. Stared at the flashing cursor for ages with no idea where to start. Inevitably, thoughts like 'well, he's not going to represent YOU, moron, so what's it hurt to be totally honest?' start to take root. Eventually the evil voices in my head win out(after a LOOOOOONG debate of about five minutes. Which is long for ME. I've got ADHD) and I write my dazzling paragraph. With frank honesty. Go me. That man is going to open that email (or most likely his assistant) and think 1. I was on crack, or 2. It was some ploy to get noticed. It wasn't, honest. I was just...certain of my query's fate so went for the gusto.
I won't share all the grisly details. I just know that I said things (no TMI) that were less than professional when it came to what they ACTUALLY wanted to know about me.
added note after the fact: He stopped representing Koontz five years ago. I feel like a total idiot now.