Monday, February 22, 2010

A Typical Morning



I've decided to post some of my really short stories here. These are usually first person musings of someone not 'all there' if you know what I mean. This one is called A Typical Morning. I'd appreciate any feedback or comments.

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I awoke to the sound of a car speeding by on my residential street. This happens more often now that the questionable element moved into the neighborhood a few months ago. I wasn’t ready to wake up and sincerely thought that it was the height of rudeness for that person to be so obnoxiously loud and inconsiderate of those who had not been up all night partying like imbeciles as they probably had.

And then I realized I was an old lady and felt a brief wave of depression.

The sun’s rays slithered across my floor and crawled into bed with me. I rolled away from it and pulled the covers over my head. I don’t like to share my bed with anyone, dammit, especially not some giant ball of gas. If I wanted hot gas in my bed, I’d go back to my ex-boyfriend. At least with him out of my life it is now safe for my nostril hairs when I put my head under the covers.

Eight legs scurried above me. I don’t know how I knew that I was being watched, but when I peeked my eyes out over the hem of my comforter, the first thing I spotted was a hunter on my ceiling. Coarse fur lined his spindly legs and venom dripped from his mandibles as he watched me with hungry eyes. I’m assuming, of course. He was far too small for me to see him clearly, but I suppose that was what he was doing.

I mean, if I were a spider, I’d eat me. I’m all plump and squishy, and my carcass would probably last for days from all the preservatives floating around in my slowly congealing blood.

Though many might have looked for a shoe or an obliging can of hair spray, I chose to let it live when I rose from my bed and readied myself for the day. Just one small way for me to show my benevolence, and maybe rack up some points on my karma card. This had nothing to do with my being too lazy to bother and too attention challenged to remember there was a dangerous creature lurking in my lair. *insert nervous cough here*

I took my karma coated body into the shower, but luckily none of that gets washed away with soap. I’d have to do bad things for that to happen, as I believe. So, daily I make a point to be good to others, pay my bills, spend too much money to help with the recession, drive too fast to make sure I’m not in anyone’s way, let old people in front of me at the grocery queue so they check out faster and don’t do their Darth Vader impressions at my elbow, and mock people behind their back to make others laugh while not hurting their feelings.

That’s rude, you know, and everyone appreciates a good laugh.

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The end. :-) Let me know what you think.

8 comments:

Postman said...

Full of vivid detail. Rich in cranky, malcontent tone. Clear and non-conflicting voice.

Now, if you want my personal opinion and not the drone of the trite literary critic, I'd say it was fun to read, refreshingly blunt, chucklingly funny, and induced in me no small amount of curiosity about what would come next.

Nice job.

Alleged Author said...

LOL! I hate spiders and that is usually what I think they are doing too.
Was the agent you were hoping to submit to Colleen Lindsey? That's who I wanted. So sad. :(

roxy said...

Great post, Christi. I liked when she said the sunlight slithered across the floor and got in bed with her. I also enjoyed the comment that if she were a spider, she would eat her. Very clever inner dialogue. This character held me in suspense as you revealed more about her. I wasn't sure what she would say next. Thanks for letting me read your stuff.

JustineDell said...

Haa...the life of me! Never thought I would see it written down *giggle*

You're style is awesome btw, very vivid ;-)

~JD

Christi Goddard said...

Thanks you guys. I'm really glad you liked it.

Pen Name Pauline: Yes, Colleen Lindsey. Who I really really want is Janet Reid, but I'm not holding my breath :-) She seems to have a lot on her plate already, plus that whole confidence thing I lack.

Tiffany Neal said...

I loved it. You had my attention the WHOLE time, which right now I saying a lot.

My favorite part was the sun crawling into bed and the gas and ex-boyfriend. I was seriously laughing out loud.

I was rejected last week by Coleen Lindsay. :)

Mia said...

Wow! The humour coupled with the colourful, and sometimes dark, descriptions like
"my carcass would probably last for days from all the preservatives floating around in my slowly congealing blood"
gave this a really gripping feel, you had me wanting to know more about character from the start. Every little detail you gave added another level to her..
In summation, t'was amazing! Thank you for posting this :D

Christi Goddard said...

You guys are making me blush. And feeding my ego. I'm totally posting more of these now. :-)

Tiffany: yeah, Coleen seemed a good fit for my genre, but she's too busy. C'est la vie, I guess. We'll just have to keep on truckin'.