Saturday, February 20, 2010

Kids say the darndest... no... the most embarrassing things, Part II

As promised, it is time for another tale about children's mouths run amok. This time, I proudly present my youngest's most memorable embarrassing moment -for me.

We lived in a small town in rural Illinois, but this is no excuse for what happened. I am a white woman, I have many friends of color, but at the time -when my daughter was 4- her education about the varieties of the human race were limited to what she saw on television.

A habit she had for a long while was to ask people if she could go home with them. Friends that visited, people in the gas station, police officers that pulled me over for speeding... yeah, anyone was fair game, and each episode highly embarrassing. I was positive each person asked to save my child from her boring home thought that I beat her with spatulas and tied her up in the basement.

One deceptively beautiful day, I took this attention-starved child to the grocery store. Like any good mother, I let her ride in the cart **to keep track of her** because she LOVED it. I was minding my own business in the cereal aisle, wondering why I could never find chocolate Malt-O-Meal anymore, when my child says quite loudly to the man passing by, "Are you black?"

Yes. Yes, he was. He was also giving me a look like I was the wife of the Grand Dragon of the KKK. In my defense (and hers) our community had very few people of color, so she had never encountered someone of a different race, except on the television, as I mentioned.

I gave him an apologetic smile then said to my blonde haired, blue eyed, pale as clouds daughter, "Yes, honey. Don't pester him. He's trying to shop." Telling my child to be quiet is like telling Brando to put the ice cream down.

"Can I go home with you?" Ah, yes. Her most favorite question was asked, and again the wave of awkwardness puddled around my feet. "Honey, I said to leave him alone. I'm sorry, sir." I tried. He gave me a dirty look. He started to walk away. My child, to really drive home the point that I deserved the Shittiest Mother of the Year Award, started to cry and said, "You scared him off. I wanted to go home with him. He's BLACK!"

In the middle of a grocery store. Remember that, parents of lil tikes, the next time your child starts to act up in a store, a restaurant, a theater... they could just start screaming things that REALLY embarrass you, so drag their asses out to the car.

12 comments:

Alleged Author said...

WRITE A DARN BOOK! I don't care what you name it--just do it. I am off to stalk other friends at a soft ball game now. BUT DO IT!

Christi Goddard said...

I have written a book. No one wants it, sad to say.

Shelley Sly said...

Well Christi, if I was an agent, I'd request a full manuscript based on what I read on your blog. You definitely have a knack for storytelling. And that scenario above is hilarious. :D

Wendy (aka quillfeather). said...

Oh, god! How embarrassing...I would have wanted to curl up and die! Kids, gotta love them..

More posts like this :)

Nick said...

Try treating your query like a blog post? Seriously I love your blog. If you could find a way of transferring this to your query I'm sure an agent would jump on it.

Also, more posts of tales of embarrassment please. They amuse.

maybe genius said...

Ooooooh wow, lol. From the mouths of babes.

Tara said...

LMAO! My kids have come up with some doozies, but that takes the cake.

Christi Goddard said...

I'm glad I could amuse you guys, and I wish I could figure out a way to use my everyday voice for my query, but I can't.

Jon Paul said...

That's hilarious--although I do hate to laugh at your expense, Christi. I have a two year-old, so I think in another few years, I'll have my own fair share of tales to tell.

Concur on the query. JUST DO IT!

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