Monday, April 19, 2010

To Wait, To Ramble

I wrote this one about a year ago, and it's surprising how little has changed. I sometimes feel like my whole life is stuck in a state of waiting, though I don't know what for. It all feels temporary. Where I live, where I work, what I like, my friendships... nothing lasts. At least with me. Do you ever feel like you're always waiting for that next big thing that's going to happen to you? Good or bad, you just know... you just know it's coming. Things have been 'even' for a while so something's bound to come along and dash it all up again. Granted, I've not been 'even' for years.

Okay, mindless rambling online done. I'll go do it on my PC now...


The cursor that mocks me, the blank page that screams how hungry it is and needs to be filled, the thoughts that run ajumble in my mind and beg so much to be free… and the only clear thought is that I have nothing to say. So many sounds in my house that weren’t there before, so many voices and needs and exclamations of wanting from me… I ramble on and on about how I can’t ramble, and the irony does not escape me.

I have embraced with cold arms the sensation of a life on hold. I keep breathing, keep doing my job and sleeping when necessary; I’m not yet sedentary, though I’m sure I’m just three steps from catatonic most days.

Waiting is what I do in my spare time, because there is nothing I can do to move things forward. I wait for a call when home, a visit to my desk when at work, but still the news I await does not come; the news that my life has changed forever. I can think of nothing else, and the wait consumes me. I suck at waiting.

Ask anyone who has ever stood in line with me at the grocery store.

Do you ever feel like people are watching you? Not because of how you dress or what you’re buying, but because they are all just playing some part in some social experiment to test the limits of human emotional endurance.

I asked this old lady today if her job had good benefits and if the new socialism of medical health was going to affect her coverage, but she just stared at me blankly. I advised her that watching my every move had to be an incredibly tedious job since I even bore myself, and that if I were her I would invest in a chocolate company.

That’s really the best bet as far as I’m concerned. Women need chocolate once a month and I doubt our cycles are in sync, so I doubt the bottom is falling out of the cocoa peddling market any time soon. She said she was past menopause and never ate chocolate anymore. Her evasiveness of the issue only confirms that she is one of Them.

Are you, too? Do you read my words to analyze how close I am to cracking? Well, grab a stopwatch, pal, ‘cause the end of my rope is in sight and there's no damned knot to hold onto.


Terry Towery said...

So THAT'S why you guys eat chocolate! Who knew? ;)

Great piece of writing, as usual.

Unspoken said...

I love an honest blogger. i recently told an old woman who was scolding me because my four and half year old was in sandals (and it rained), that if I were her I would not worry about MY daughter. She looked astounded, but then again, so was I... At her rudeness. It gets old being watched by people with nothing better to do. The more truth you tell the farther y0u are from an edge :)!

Christine Danek said...

Very moving and you are so honest. Don't crack please. I love to read your work and just as She Wrtes says--"The more truth you tell the farther you are from the edge."

Anne Gallagher said...

Waiting for tangible things is a crap shoot. You'll either get them or you won't. But you will always know one way or the other. Waiting for something that is quite possibly intangible is like waiting for death. You keep waiting and hoping and the months turn into years and the years turn into decades and one day you wake up and you're dead, and you never recieved the one thing on earth that you always always wanted.

That's what I'm waiting for.

Matthew MacNish said...

Thanks for sharing Christi, your honesty is refreshing. I have to agree though, if you crack we'll miss your blogging.

Christi Goddard said...

Terry - I mostly eat chocolate because it's awesome.

Amy - My scenario was fiction, but yours... I'd have been so snippy. I tend to make stuff up on the fly, so if some lady felt she needed to scold me about my daughter, I'd have said something like, "These are her only shoes. We're quite poor. I'll buy better ones if you give us some money."

Christine - Sadly, I think I cracked long ago. Luckily, the pieces of me trudge on.

Anne - "you wake up and you're dead." - I TOTALLY want to do that! And I'll never have the one thing on earth I've always wanted.

Matthew - It's not SO honest. It's partly fiction, I swear.

Aubrie said...

There is so much raw emotion in your writing! I do feel as though I'm waiting for one of my books to make it big but I have to be content with what I have and try to live in the moment.

Tara said...

Just loved this! I can see why it hasn't changed much; it's too good as is.

Loved your rant in my comments - totally agreed with you!

Mia Hayson said...

Yay! I love reading your pieces and agree with this one especially :~D

I do feel like a) sometimes I'm waiting to start living properly and b) that I'm in a crazy social experiment testing my limits. Almost ALL THE TIME.

Seriously, I'm thinking Trumnan Show Scale here. Who knows, maybe they just roll by a scene of clouds when I think I'm flying and the plane stays still. Maybe this is all the Matrix?! You see how fragile my sense of reality is? It doesn't really help that my Human Congition Lecturer openly admits to having no idea what is real and what is not. He goes out of his way to prove that the mind can so easily distort reality *shivers*

Also, you adopted a bat? Dude thats unbelievably awesome!! Happy Tuesday Christi (and Droplet)!!

G.~ said...

Great writing. I guess some good things do come out of waiting. So much can be accomplished in that dead space.

I know, I know, it's partly fictional. ;)

DL Hammons said...

the end of my rope is in sight and there's no damned knot to hold onto.

Love it!!!! :)

Talli Roland said...

Can totally relate. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Sigh. Yes, the cracks are appearing.

Roxy said...

That last paragraph is so awesome. I feel that way a lot. There's an award for you at my blog.

sarahjayne smythe said...

Great post. So moving and so very true. :)


Love the haunting quality of this post! Exactly what the best blogging is about--moving the reader and showing vulnerability.

Anonymous said...

You're awesome. Which explains why I have an award for you on my blog!

Christi Goddard said...

Aubrie - You have already accomplished what many of us never will. You can be proud of your accomplishments.

Tara - Yeah, sorry about the rant. That sort of thing steams me up.

Mia - I used to have the Truman Show suspicion myself. Then I discovered I'm just crazy, so I'm all unparanoid now.

G. - I have been getting stuff accomplished, that's true. I got a couple thousand words done the last two days, so that's something.

DL- Thankya

Talli - I'm the world's worst waiter. Is it waitress when you're a girl?

Roxy - I saw. Thankya kindly!

Sarahjayne - It certainly feels true.

Sam - you're too sweet. Serious Dalai Lama. I swear.

E.Elle - 'Preciate ya. I'm totally awarded today. It's rockin'

Susan Fields said...

Awesome post - your writing flows so smoothly, it's like talking to an old friend. I've felt the same thing about always waiting for the next stage of life. Right now I'm waiting for my youngest to start middle school (about one more year) so all three kids will be on the same schedule. After that I'll be content (yeah, right!)

Elana Johnson said...

I do feel like I'm stuck in this perpetual place called WAIT. It's hard.

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