Saturday, March 13, 2010

The End of the World

I've had a busy couple of days and today's much the same, but I feel so neglectful of my peeps, so I'm posting 'one of my best' as proclaimed by readers at a writer's website I belong to where we post short stories for each other. I think it's just a bit silly and over-the-top, but it won an award, so maybe it's not too bad. I'm always the worst judge of my own stuff. Enjoy!

000000000000000000000000000000000

I don’t mean to come across as paranoid or anything, but I think I should definitely tell someone that the cockroaches in my upstairs neighbor’s apartment are conspiring to overthrow Wal-Mart. They’ve been pretty sneaky about it really. In fact, I’d have probably never noticed until it was too late, but the fire ants that blew my A/C unit last week told me in a fit of desperation, hoping I would bargain with them to spare their ant hill.

But I don’t negotiate. It’s the American policy towards terrorists. You might not be of the same mind that fire ants rank right up there with suicide bombers, but most of you have probably never had to deal with the little fuckers. Spend a summer in Texas, and then try to tell me that fire ants aren’t the spawn of Beelzebub. If they really put their minds to it, they could take down Wal-Mart, but evil begets evil, and they support Sam’s team.

Which is why they want me to stop the cockroaches who have seen the end of the world coming and now know an awful truth. It won’t be them at the top of the food chain, as always predicted. It’s going to be Wal-Mart employees, all of them surviving the holocaust and nuclear winter inside the thick cement walls of the job they are chained to (less than thirty-two hours a week, of course, or they’d have to be considered full-time and get healthcare benefits that would cover their lesions and irradiated flesh burns).

I told my neighbors about the cockroaches’ plan to bring the world’s largest corporation to its knees, but they just laughed at me. At first. Until they realized I wasn’t kidding. Now they don’t talk to me anymore. I swear, it’s like no one listens anymore. Not my parents, not my friends, and in the end, I might just hide in Wal-Mart with the employees when Armageddon comes. Unless they kick me out for loitering.

Sometimes I have to shake my desk just to get Darth Vader and the Joker to nod and agree with me. At least someone does, but that fucking Buddy Christ bobble head just stands there pointing at me, judging me, with that vicious smile painted across his plastic, distorted caricature. I think the spring in his neck is broken.

20 comments:

Rainey said...

I believe you. And you won't have to shake me to get me to nod along. Maybe I'll even follow you to Wal-Mart on Armageddon day.

sarahjayne smythe said...

This really is great. I loved it. :)

maybe genius said...

I am reminded of that movie Joe's Apartment for some reason :)

This is a great line: Sometimes I have to shake my desk just to get Darth Vader and the Joker to nod and agree with me.

Postman said...

"I might just hide in Wal-Mart with the employees when Armageddon comes. Unless they kick me out for loitering."

This one's good for a laugh. Refreshing and humorous work.

Nick said...

Mint.

Piedmont Writer said...

Very nice, very well done indeed!

Terry Towery said...

You are a very sick person, Christi. And I mean that in the very best way possible. ;)

Christi Goddard said...

Steph - it sort of inspired me, I guess. My dad loves it and was raving about how funny it was, and I thought, "Well, what if they were more diabolical and had a master plan of some kind..."

Postman - I'm glad I made you laugh.

Nick - Mint? Is that in reference to the flavor of my post? Or are you psychically predicting my answer to the question, "What is your favorite chocolate combination?"

Anne -Thanks so much, as always, I appreciate ya.

Terry -I'm aware of my instability, but I maintain that my mental state is more stable than the earth's crust seems to be lately.

Shelley Sly said...

I loved this! Every line was pure awesome. I believe them when they say it's one of your best. Thanks for sharing!

Tiffany Neal said...

Holy Freaking Cow. This is made of all sorts of awesomeness.

And the damn fire ants. Believe me. I've had my share of experiences with them.

Ironically enough a few months back, my six year old proclaimed that fire ants were taking over the world on our drive home from school. She stated that the mounds were just about as tall as she was and that had to have meant something.

Have you seen the species they've created to kill out the fire ants? I can't quite remember, but it's a really disturbing slash interesting thing I saw on the news!

Jerry said...

The only reason I stopped by was that you mentioned on Jon Paul's blog that you were from Texas. I certainly wasn't prepared to be so impressed with such extraordinary writing. I look forward to reading much more.

Regards,

Mia said...

OMG, now I have one more thing to worry about :S

I agree, that was totally Mint (as in "totally amazing" but also as in the chocolate chip ice cream...because I LOVE mint and that's what this tasted of... brilliant mint chocolate chip ice cream)

:~D

Nick said...

As Mia said, mint = cool/awesome/bril. It's one of many pieces of slang I picked up from Up North.

Christi Goddard said...

Rainey and Jerry: Welcome to my crazy world!

Tiffany: I heard about it, but I've not seen them yet. I figure it's just a bad idea. It'll be something else with no natural predators that will get out of control.

Shelly: Thanks a bunch.

Mia: That's totally my favorite ice cream.

Nick: You are the weirdest person I've cyber met. That makes you full of awesome.

Tahereh said...

wow. hilarious. AND genius.

love it.

you've got skill, my friend.

best of luck with everything!

callieforester said...

this was hilarious. So glad I found your site, it's really cool!

I'd love to read some more of your stuff. We do first chapter critiques on our site (www.chimeracritiques.com) if you are interested. I'm cheating, recruiting you...because I can already see I'll really like your writing. :)

Anyway, just thought I'd mention it. Nice to "meet" you. Thanks for the laugh!

Christi Goddard said...

Thanks, Tahereh. I just hope I have enough skill to be published someday.

Callie: I pimped for you. I'm glad you like my writing. I'll be entering that contest for sure.

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